Step-Up

"Well, they're just your step-kids."  

Step-parenting is a prevalent role in our society.  The divorce and re-marriage rates in America support the fact that many people will become step-parents.  Just like raising your biological children, raising step-kids is a road paved with highs and lows, successes and failures and the opportunity to loved and be loved in a fulfilling and beautiful way.

I feel I am qualified to babble on about this particular topic because I am not only a step-mom, but also a step-child with a very special step-mother and step-father to call my own.  (My parents were both remarried when I was in my early teens.)  So, I have had a lot of experience on the subject from many different sides over a significant period of time.    These are simply my opinions; the step-parenting adventure is different for everyone.  (Wow, is that a lot of disclaimers or what!)

My husband was divorced with two kids (ages 2 and 4) when I met him.  We have now been together for 13 years (married for 7).  The girls are now 15 and 17.  Our boys are now 6, 2 and 1.  If you do the math, you can calculate that I have a step-mom for quite a while now.  I was recently asked about my situation by a new step-mom.  After our conversation, I thought sharing this could be beneficial for many new step-parents out there.  So, with her permission, here are some of her questions and my responses.

Newbie:  What do your step kids call you?

Me:  Cathy.  In my house, I am not called "Mom" by my step-kids.  My girls already have a Mom and my role is not to take her place.  I want to be a welcomed addition, not a substitute. 

Newbie:  How do you get your step-kids to respect you?

Me:  Treat your step-kids the way you would want to be treated.  Be interested in them.  Spend one-on-one time with them.  Build a bond and work to keep strengthening that connection.  Support from your partner is also key.  They have to back you up.  When children see a united front, they feel protected and learn boundaries.  Through full support from your spouse, (both verbal and non-verbal), the kids are taught to respect you.  

Newbie:  I feel awkward around my step-kids.  I don't want to scare them off.

Me:  Love your step-kids as if they came from your own body.  Even if the love is new, it will grow stronger every day.  Be patient and be kind.  Kids can tell if you're faking it; this will leave a gap of mistrust in your relationship.  Open your arms and fill your heart with the blessing of a larger family.  

Newbie:  What is an important lesson you have learned?

Me:  Here's a BIG one:  Don't bad talk the other parent in front of the kids, no matter how tempting it may be!  Even if you feel you are speaking the truth, it will only make you look like the enemy in the eyes of your step-kids.  It is a simple virtue to live by, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."  Why is this such an IMPORTANT rule?  Because everyone deserves a relationship with their parents...period.  Unless there is an abusive situation, do not interfere with the biological parent to child relationship.  Respect and encourage it.  When addressing the Ex, focus on the present, not the past.  Use a civil tongue.  Your efforts in this area will earn respect from both your partner and your step-kids.    

Newbie:  The Ex and I are very different people.  I have a hard time knowing how to handle the kids.

Me:  Avoid talk that sounds like, "How would your Mom handle this situation?  This will encourage the child to critique your position and reduce the respect between you.  Be the best person you know how to be.  Turn to your spouse or other adults for parenting tips, not your step-kids.

Being a step-mom has built character for me as a woman, defined me as a Mom, expanded my role as a caregiver and filled my heart to the rim.  It has also helped to heal some of my own wounds and understand the decisions of my own parents and step-parents.  I believe that God gave me obstacles to prepare me to be a step-mother to these two beautiful people who are more than just my step-kids.